Justice or Love
by Ricky Otaku
Summary: Chitaru chose justice over love once. But is it too late to choose love?
1. Chapter 1

**Hi! In 2014 I made a ChitaHitsu fic called "Justice or Love: why now both?" that was a mix of both the anime and the manga. I did that because I wasn't satisfied with both version, but I come to accept the manga as main canon. So here's kinda of a reboot, only based on the manga version. Also, my views of ChitaHitsu had really changed since 2014, so expect something darker and more angst than the original fic. I hope you'll enjoy it ^^**

 **Ah, before you read, I suggest you to read Koakuma no Riddle 4 and KnR epilogue first. KnR 4 is on dynasty while I posted a link for KnR epilogue on the AO3 version of this fic.**

 **ps: Special thank you to tumbler user kanrose for proofreading this fic!**

* * *

Why couldn't it just be a bad dream? She could have woken up and nothing would have happened, it would've just have been a nightmare. But unfortunately, it was reality.

Each time she woke up, Namatame Chitaru wished it was just a dream. But waking up each time in the same hospital room was just a cruel reminder that it was real. She tried to kill herself by drinking poison, and now she was hospitalized. She did this out of guilt, thinking she had killed the girl she loved. But fate had a dark sense of humour and decided to allow both of them to survive.

Kirigaya Hitsugi was Angel Trumpet. Her arch enemy, the person she swore revenge on. The ruthless assassin who murdered her teacher's daughter. Yet, she was also the sweet girl she came to fall in love with. But Chitaru knew it was only a facade. Hitsugi was a cold-blooded person, not the innocent girl she fell in love with. Yet despite knowing that, she couldn't stop her heart from loving her.

But she couldn't forgive her either. What she did was simply unforgivable. But Chitaru knew she was no better. She felt so weak. She continued to have feelings for the girl she was supposed to hate, and she felt regret over what she had done. She didn't know what was right and wrong anymore. All she wanted was to be with Hitsugi, yet she couldn't come to forgive her. Being with Hitsugi was causing her pain, and she wasn't about to let her suffering end.

"Good morning, Chitaru-san."

The swordswoman sat up in her bed and looked at Hitsugi. She came into her room, smiling. But Chitaru could see that there was sadness in her eyes. It was always the case. She may be smiling, but she was still sad in the inside. And so was Chitaru.

"Hello, Hitsugi."

"The doctor told me you could go for a walk, and it would help you with your rehabilitation. But he doesn't want you to go alone, so I'm coming with you. If...you're fine with it."

Chitaru sighed. She knew where this was going, Hitsugi acting like she was giving Chitaru a choice, while in reality, she already knew her lover wouldn't refuse. And Chitaru didn't have the strength to actually refuse anyway. Deep down, a part of her didn't want to hurt her. She already hurt her once, she didn't want to go through the same guilt once more. Even if it meant falling for Hitsugi's manipulation over and over again.

"Of course," Chitaru simply replied as she stood up, grabbing her cane and leaving the room with Hitsugi.

"The weather is pleasant today, isn't it?" Hitsugi said.

"Mmhm."

Chitaru had nothing to say. She let Hitsugi talk about nothing and everything while she simply mumbled from time to time. They were walking outside the hospital, in the park, holding hands. It wasn't a romantic gesture though. It was simply to help Chitaru, who was still weak from the poisoning, to keep her balance. But the taller girl felt comfort in that physical contact. And she felt guilty to feel that way towards Angel Trumpet.

But there was something on Chitaru's mind, something she wanted to ask her for a while. But she was afraid to ask. Afraid that it might worsen their current situation. But she needed to know. She knew it was the right thing to do. She felt like a sinner for loving her enemy, so the least she could do was doing what was right for once.

She waited for them to be far enough away from others before asking her question.

"Hitsugi...why did you become an assassin?"

This question seemed to have taken her partner by surprise. It didn't seem like she wanted to answer, but she still opened her mouth.

"Why do you want to know that, Chitaru-san?"

"I just need to know...why she was killed."

Hitsugi looked like she was hesitating. Her eyes looked so sad yet, Chitaru saw no remorse in them.

"I was just raised to be an assassin since I was a little girl. Datura took me in and trained me. I always thought it was my vocation, so I did everything necessary to succeed as an assassin. And I eventually became their ace. But it changed when I met you. Thanks to you, I understood that I was wrong. I deeply regret my action, but I understand if you can't forgive me. I'm just a disgusting little bug after all, while you're such a great and decent person."

Chitaru suddenly had an unpleasant feeling in her chest. Hitsugi was back at her self-deprecating act. So many lies. The beginning could have been the truth, but the rest was all lies. Chitaru knew she didn't regret anything. Hitsugi didn't change. She was still the same as before, still Angel Trumpet. But even though she knew that, she was still in love with her.

"Why her? What had my teacher's daughter had done to deserve this?"

"It was nothing personal. She was defending someone who was against our cause- one of our victims. She was a threat to us. So I was asked to take care of her. It was just another mission to me… but I regret it. If I knew she was your friend, I wouldn't have done it, I swear."

Lies. Even more lies. Not all of it, though. Now at least Chitaru knew why she was killed. She died due to Hitsugi's ambition, her desire to succeed in her group. Her teacher's daughter was just collateral damage. She should feel angry, yet she couldn't bring herself to be mad at Hitsugi, no matter how awful she was. tears began to fall from her eyes upon this realization. Hitsugi immediately looked sad, but not surprised.

"Chitaru-san, why are you crying?"

"Because...I love you, Hitsugi."

A soft yet sad smile appeared on the shorter girl's lips.

"I love you too."

Hitsugi stood on her tiptoes and gently wrapped her arms around Chitaru's neck, before stealing a chaste kiss. The grief-stricken redhead did nothing to prevent it... and part of her even enjoyed it. But deep down, she felt disgusted by herself. She was a sinner. The kiss felt so warm, yet there was a bitter aftertaste in it. Hitsugi eventually broke the kiss, softly stroking Chitaru's shoulders.

"Let's go back inside, okay?" Hitsugi proposed.

The shorter girl softly led her into the hospital, Chitaru offering no resistance. She could still feel Hitsugi's warmth on her lips, and she couldn't help but think about her soft lips.

Yet, she could still feel the bitter aftertaste.

* * *

"Chitaru-san ~" Hitsugi said with a hushed voice.

The swordswoman didn't expect that sight when she woke up. It was still dark, so it must be the night. The room was weakly lit by the moon outside. Chitaru had been awakened by something somewhat heavy on her. Hitsugi was straddling her, looking at her seductively.

"Hitsugi…?"

"Shhh, don't be too loud. It may be night, but there are still employees around. It would be bad if someone happened to hear us, wouldn't it?"

Then suddenly, before Chitaru could say anything, Hitsugi pressed her lips against hers. Her soft and warm lips, yet so bitter... their taste was so intoxicating. Chitaru let herself get charmed by them, giving up to her desire, feeling Hitsugi's hands dangerously approaching her chest. But a part of her suddenly woke up, realizing that it was wrong. She suddenly broke the kiss, nudging Hitsugi away.

"Hitsugi, what are you doing!?"

The shorter girl looked stoic for a moment, before she gave a fake smile, tears in her eyes.

"You're right, I shouldn't. I'm a disgusting bug after all. I have no right to touch Chitaru-san like that. You must hate me right now. I'm unworthy of you. I should just leave..."

Chitaru knew it was best if she didn't do anything. She knew Hitsugi was just manipulating her yet, she fell for that same trick again. She couldn't bear to see her sad. She grabbed the shorter girl's arm, preventing her from leaving.

"Don't go," Chitaru asked, almost begging.

Tears were rolling from Hitsugi as she continued to smile on. There seemed to be something else in her eyes. It looked like...guilt? Chitaru wasn't sure. Hitsugi wiped away her tears and leaned on her, suddenly adopting a lustful expression. She then grabbed Chitaru's hands and guided them on her hips, helping them to find their way under her clothes. Chitaru simply followed her lead, letting Hitsugi do as she please with her, as usual.

"Who knows, maybe it'll help your body to recover," Hitsugi whispered sensually.

Hitsugi took joy in removing both of their tops before going in for another kiss, pressing herself on Chitaru. The latter wrapped her arms around the shorter girl's hips, wanting to feel her even more. She wanted to be closer to her. She wanted to feel her warmth all over her. The temperature of the room seemed to rise and rise as they continued to kiss passionately, until Hitsugi suddenly disappeared under the blanket.

* * *

Chitaru was putting her usual clothing, her school uniform. It was the only spare clothes she had. She felt like she was floating in her uniform. She had lost so much weight due to her hospitalization. She remained for such a long time in coma and motionless. But it was over now. She was free to leave the hospital. She was done with her rehabilitation.

"Chitaru-san?" Hitsugi called, shyly popping in the doorframe.

Chitaru finished up packing her things, before turning back to Hitsugi.

"I'm ready to leave, now," Chitaru said.

The shorter girl looked unsure, as well as nervous. Chitaru didn't like to see her that way. It caused her pain to see the girl she loved looking so troubled.

"Where are you doing to go now?" Hitsugi asked as she entered the room.

She said it with such a sad expression. Chitaru felt pangs in her chest seeing that look on her face. It only made her want to gently hold Hitsugi to comfort her. But all she managed to do was to smile weakly, in the most comforting way she could.

"I've already told you, haven't I? I want us to live together, Hitsugi. I want to stay by your side."

This declaration made Hitsugi smiled with relief which somehow appeased Chitaru. She put her bag on her back and joined her shorter girl, before softly holding her hands.

"Are you...really fine with me?" Hitsugi asked.

"To be honest… no. But… right now, this is what I want."

This answer brought tears in the short assassin's eyes, yet she was still smiling. Chitaru ended up feeling bad, but she wanted to remain truthful.

"I understand. Let's go home now, Chitaru-san."

"Yes, Hitsugi."

And they left the room, hand holding, Chitaru wondering for how long she could keep this act up. She first chose justice, yet she was now following love. But this love felt sick, and she was worried that one day, justice would come back to bite her. But until this day came, all she wanted was to be with Hitsugi… for just a little bit longer.

So, at least for the time it will last, Chitaru Namatame will choose love over justice.

* * *

 **Kinda more pessimistic than the original fic. Well, with what was revealed in the official doujins I can't help but see this ship as potentially toxic. Yet, I still want them to be happy so eventually, it will get better. But before that, expect angst.**

 **I intend to continue this so if you're interested let me know! Thanks for reading ^^**

 **btw, there is a AnR discord server. If you're interested to join, add me: RickyOtaku#5402**


	2. Chapter 2

**warning: alcohol abuse and dubious consent.**

* * *

Every day felt like a soft agony. Chitaru's mind was in constant pain and doubt, as well as shame. She was now living with Hitsugi and each day was an ordeal. She still loved her with all her heart and soul, and it was exactly this love that caused so much sorrow to Chitaru. She felt guilty and ashamed of her feelings, it felt like she betrayed her teacher, as well as her own morals. But she couldn't help herself from loving Hitsugi and want to be by her side. This love was poisonous, condemning her to a slow and painful death, which was spending the rest of her life with the girl once known as Angel Trumpet.

"Chitaru-san, what do you want to eat?"

The swordswoman raised her head to look at her lover. Hitsugi was smiling at her, wearing a cute apron. She looked like an adorable housewife. It could have been a wholesome sight if she wasn't a ruthless and remorseless assassin.

"Anything, I don't care," Chitaru replied.

"As your wish," Hitsugi replied with a soft smile.

The smaller girl started to cook. Chitaru had discovered by living with her that Hitsugi was a decent cook, better than her. Not that Chitaru was a bad cook, but her meals were more simplistic than her's. It felt strange to trust Hitsugi with food. Chitaru was convinced that her lover used her cooking skills to deceive her victims and make them eat poisonous food. But she knew Hitsugi wouldn't poison her, but it still felt weird to eat the food of a poisoner.

As she cooked, Hitsugi softly humming. Her voice was sweet and pretty, Chitaru found it pleasant to listen to. How can someone with such a beautiful voice have so much blood on her hands? How someone who was so small and cute could be a killer? Even if her brain knew the truth, her heart still hadn't accepted it. Chitaru lived in constant torment, her brain and her heart fighting, her reason and emotions arguing. And they will never agree.

"It's done!" Hitsugi suddenly said.

She removed her apron and brought two plates on the table, before sitting in front of Chitaru. They both started to eat in silence like they usually do. Chitaru was tempted to simply stay quiet as usual, but there was something she wanted to ask Hitsugi for a while. She knew it was probably not the right time, but she had to ask anyway.

"Hitsugi… how do you feel… when you killed?"

The shorter girl almost dropped her fork and raised her head, surprised by this unexpected question.

"Why the sudden question?"

"I… I'm just curious. I want to understand you better," Chitaru replied.

Hitsugi took another bite of her food, looking hesitating to answer this question.

"I felt nothing, only a slight satisfaction to have accomplished my job. I didn't feel pleasure, but I have to admit… I appreciate it. I have always been curious about what it does to destroy someone's life…"

Hitsugi suddenly went quiet, like she regretted what she said. She lowered her head and looked shameful, which Chitaru knew was just an act.

"But I regret it! I know it was wrong, and I only feel disgusted about my previous kills now, I swear!" Hitsugi claimed.

Chitaru knew she was lying. She despised what Hitsugi told her, but she couldn't bring herself to hate her. Not anymore. She always loathed Angel Trumpet, but she couldn't anymore, not since she knew her real identity. She continued to eat, pretending to not be disturbed by her lover's answer.

"What about Chitaru-san? How do you feel when you kill?" Hitsugi suddenly asked.

Chitaru nearly choked on her food. She wasn't expecting to be asked the same question. She really didn't want to answer. But she felt like she had too, otherwise, it would be unfair.

"I… didn't kill many people. But when I did, it was always for the sake of justice. I only killed vicious criminals that escaped the law. But even if it was for justice, even if I wanted to convince myself that what I was doing was righteous, killing… always made me nauseous. Each time I killed, it left me with a bitter after taste. I just strongly dislike killing. There's no good reason to kill, I knew I was wrong, but… that was what I have been trained to. I stopped being an assassin, but nothing will erase all the blood I have on my hand, no matter how righteous I thought I was. And your blood… is also on my hand."

Chitaru went quiet. Talking about it just reminded her of her guilt and shame. She regretted what she did to Hitsugi, and she didn't think she could ever forgive herself. Hitsugi's eyes seemed to express regret too. It seemed that they both didn't dare to talk anymore. So they continued to eat in silence, burdened by their past sins.

* * *

Chitaru wasn't sure why she brought those. She was at the convenience store to buy some stuff when she saw them. She heard about those and how bad they could be, but also how they could help in certain situations, ease the stress and pain. Maybe she could try. But she was a minor. Regardless, she took them and went to the cashier. Surprisingly he let her buy those. Probably because she looked much older than 16, she often passed for an adult.

She went back home with what she brought. Hitsugi wasn't home. The smaller girl often goes on a walk on her own. Each time it made Chitaru worried. She was always scared that Hitsugi might leave her to go back to Datura. The thought of her lover leaving her was already painful, if it was to return to her assassin life it would be the coup de grace. She wanted to trust Hitsugi, but she simply couldn't. So she was condemned to be in constant worries.

Chitaru opened the fridge and start putting the stuff she bought in it, except for the special item. She closed the door and put those on the table. It was a beer pack.

" _Why did I buy those… it's not a good idea. But I want to try. Just for this time. Just one._ "

Chitaru sat down and took a beer, and opened it. She hesitated for a moment, before taking a sip. It tasted awful. But she didn't want to waste it so she continued to drink. She drank slowly, disgusted, but determined to finish it. She managed to drink it all and wanted to stop. But she suddenly started to feel dizzy and calmer. It felt… comfortable. It felt good.

" _Hm… maybe a second one wouldn't be that bad._ "

Chitaru opened another beer and started to drink it. Strangely, this one seemed to taste better. She drank it faster than the first one. Her body felt so relax, and so did her mind. It felt like the beer was washing away her worries. Hitsugi wasn't home? Whatever, she'll come back eventually. She was an assassin? Who cares! She killed her teacher's daughter? Well, nobody's perfect.

She had lost count of how many beers she had drank. Three, four, five? Didn't matter. What matters was that she felt great. She didn't care about anything anymore. Her head felt like it was spinning, she couldn't think straight anymore. It just felt great to not think about her worries and problems anymore.

Chitaru suddenly started to think about Hitsugi. She thought about how beautiful she was, with her cute and adorable appearance, her petite figure, her pretty golden eyes and her soft blue hair. Chitaru just wanted to touch her, ran her hand in her hair, kiss her, pinned her against the bed and ravage her. She just wanted her so badly right now.

As she finished her last beer, the front door suddenly opened.

* * *

Hitsugi came back from her walk. Even if she preferred to be with Chitaru, sometimes she needed to be alone to clear her mind, think about her actions, her regrets, her feelings. She had no remorse regarding her past, but she did feel guilty about causing pain to Chitaru. She knew she didn't deserve to be with her, she knew that being with her hurt Chitaru, but she just loved her too much to leave her, even she knew it would be for the best, for both of them. She was a selfish people with no redeemable points, a worthless bug who was abusing of the wonderful person that was Chitaru. And she had accepted her disgusting nature, prioritizing her feelings over Chitaru's.

What was the point in changing? She already knew Chitaru would never forgive her. The fact she chose justice over love and stabbed her was the proof. If her lover couldn't forgive her, then why should she redeem herself? It would be useless. A fruitless effort for an impossible goal. All she had left was Chitaru's guilt, something she could manipulate to keep the red haired girl by her side. It was awful, yes, but Hitsugi knew she was a bad person. It was only natural for the bug she was to keep the one she loved as her captive by deceit.

Hitsugi closed the door. She noticed that Chitaru was in the kitchen, sitting on a chair. Her lover turned back and gazed at her. There was something unusual in her eyes. Chitaru's gaze seemed… lustful.

"Hitsugi…" she said in a weak voice as she rose up.

Chitaru walked towards her. Hitsugi noticed that she was staggering, she couldn't walk in a straight line. Hitsugi had a bad feeling about this. Her lover wasn't in her normal state.

"You… you have been a really naughty girl, Hitsugi. What am I gonna do with you?"

Hitsugi remained surprised by how Chitaru sounded. Her voice sounded so… seductive, yet dangerous. There was something dominant and assertive in her voice, which wasn't usual for Chitaru. Hitsugi instinctively recoiled, feeling a little bit threatened, while her lover continued to approach her, giving off the vibe of a predator who spotted a prey.

Hitsugi recoiled until she reached their bedroom, Chitaru still following her. She was stopped when she reached their bed. Chitaru stopped right in front of her and smirked in a way Hitsugi never thought her lover could. Chitaru simply looked like a totally different person.

"Chitaru-san…?"

"Shhh, don't talk."

Before Hitsugi could protest, Chitaru suddenly leaned and kissed her. Hitsugi was too surprised to do anything. She didn't protest when she felt her lover's tongue going inside of her mouth. Chitaru's kiss tasted… weird. There was something bitter, and Hitsugi recognized what it was: alcohol. Chitaru was drunk, intoxicated.

Chitaru suddenly pushed her and pinned her on the bed, restraining her arms. She broke the kiss and stared at Hitsugi with so much desire, she had no inhibition anymore. Hitsugi didn't try to fight back, whatever Chitaru wanted to do, she would accept it. She would bear with whatever her lover had planned for her.

The red haired woman looked like she was hesitating for a moment, uncertain about her actions. Hitsugi smiled softly.

"It's okay, Chitaru-san. You can do it, you have my permission. I belong to you."

Chitaru's hesitation suddenly disappeared, replaced by pure lust. She kissed Hitsugi again, more fiercely. Her hands then find their way under the shorter girl's clothes, removing them with strength, while Hitsugi braced herself for her lover's drunkenness and savage lust.

* * *

When Hitsugi woke up, she felt some pain in her body. Her muscles felt sore, it hurt when she tried to move. But she didn't feel bad or anything. Quite the contrary, she enjoyed the sex she had with Chitaru. It was rough, but it felt so interesting to do it with an assertive and dominant Chitaru, while usually, her girlfriend was the submissive one. Her lover roughly making love to her had been exciting and arousing, seemed like Chitaru was the dominant type when drunk. Truly an interesting discovery.

Although, Hitsugi wondered why her lover was drinking. It didn't seem like a good sign. And the fact she was so rough with her, it was almost as if Chitaru was punishing her. Not that Hitsugi mind. She felt like she deserved to be punished. She was a dirty liar, a disgusting bug who kept poisoning the girl she loved's life. All her life she kept pretending being someone she wasn't, wearing a mask, lying and deceiving people. It was in her nature to lie, she couldn't help but daily lied. And lying was the only way she could keep Chitaru by her side.

Hitsugi turned back and reached the side of the bed next to her, searching for her lover. Her hand only reached the sheet. Confused, Hitsugi raised her head and discovered that she was alone in the bed.

"Chitaru-san?"

She suddenly rose up and looked around. No sign of Chitaru in the bedroom. Worried, Hitsugi got out of bed and started searching in the apartment.

"Chitaru-san! CHITARU!"

No response. She was alone. Hitsugi had a bad feeling about that. Something was wrong, Chitaru's absence wasn't normal. She then spotted a piece of paper on the table. Hitsugi approached it. It looked like a note. When she recognized Chitaru's handwriting Hitsugi immediately grabbed it and read it, which caused her eyes to tear up and felt a deep pain in her heart.

" _Hitsugi, I'm sorry. I couldn't continue anymore. What I did last night was a mistake. I lost control of myself and forced myself on you. I don't want to cause you pain, if I stay with you I may hurt you again. And being with you is painful for me too. This relationship will only cause harm to both of us. This is why I decided to leave. I need some time alone, to think about my sins and clear my mind. I still love you and want to be with you, but in my current state, it's not good for us to be together. I hope you will understand why I had to leave. I'm sorry, and I love you._ "

* * *

 **Things are getting worst. I'm so sorry, sorry for ruining ChitaHitsu. But I had to, because I can't help but view them as a toxic relationship. But worry not, it will get better, I promise. Eventually. Don't lose hope!**


End file.
